{"id":170,"date":"2017-06-23T11:47:14","date_gmt":"2017-06-23T10:47:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.voicenorthants.org\/restorative\/?p=170"},"modified":"2017-06-23T11:52:57","modified_gmt":"2017-06-23T10:52:57","slug":"bear-mind-meeting-offender","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.voicenorthants.org\/restorative\/bear-mind-meeting-offender\/","title":{"rendered":"What you should bear in mind before meeting your offender"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"Meeting someone who has inflicted pain on you either mentally or physically is one of the toughest things you\u2019ll ever do.<\/p>\n

However, if you can overcome the (entirely understandable) fear associated with such an encounter, it\u2019s also one of the best things you\u2019ll ever do.<\/p>\n

Restorative practices<\/a> are proven to be a dramatic, cleansing tool for many. They don\u2019t work for everyone, but victims of crime should at least take some time to consider the benefits of confronting their offender.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve decided to go ahead, great! Our restorative justice coordinators will walk you through step-by-step what to expect and how to prepare. They will also accompany you to any physical meeting, and facilitate the process, acting as an independent third party.<\/p>\n

However, we\u2019ve got some great tips in the meantime to help you prepare:<\/p>\n

Ask yourself some questions<\/h2>\n

When you walk into that room, it\u2019s best to have a plan. You\u2019ll want to know why you\u2019re entering the room and what you want to get out of the meeting.<\/p>\n

Grab a notepad and pen, and answer the following questions:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Who is the person you\u2019re due to meet?<\/li>\n
  2. What else do you know about them?<\/li>\n
  3. Why do you want to talk to them?<\/li>\n
  4. What do you hope to gain from the meeting?<\/li>\n
  5. Are your expectations realistic?<\/li>\n
  6. How have your feeling towards the person changed (if at all) since the incident?<\/li>\n
  7. How angry are you on a scale of one to ten? Is that anger likely to boil over when you confront your offender?<\/li>\n
  8. Do you feel emotionally ready to speak with them?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    This should be a therapeutic exercise and, once finished, you\u2019ll have a clearer view of what you\u2019re looking to get out of the meeting.<\/p>\n

    Equally, don\u2019t be afraid to pull out if it\u2019s clear you\u2019re not ready or seem to be doing it for the wrong reasons.<\/p>\n

    Consider the offender\u2019s potential mindset<\/h2>\n

    It\u2019s hard to second guess people, but you need to be prepared for all scenarios.<\/p>\n

    How is this person likely to behave? Bear in mind that offenders don\u2019t like to feel out of control and they almost definitely won\u2019t enjoy the experience.<\/p>\n

    They may show remorse in the form of raw emotion or may be entirely cold. They might even be angry.<\/p>\n

    If you\u2019re at all concerned about how the offender might act, don\u2019t be afraid to pull out of the encounter. Remember – this is your decision, nobody else\u2019s.<\/p>\n

    Take someone close to you<\/h2>\n

    You\u2019ll need plenty of moral support on the day, so make sure you take a very close friend or family member.<\/p>\n

    They need do nothing more than sit next to you – armed with a box of tissues if necessary – and be ready if you need some support, but it\u2019s probably the most important role of the day.<\/p>\n

    Remember that the offender doesn\u2019t have to be physically present<\/h2>\n

    Depending on the situation, if the offender has passed away since the incident, you can still undertake the restorative process.<\/p>\n

    Consider visiting their grave. It\u2019s a more powerful encounter than you might expect, and gives you the opportunity to express yourself and voice your feelings freely, without fear of retaliation.<\/p>\n

    Likewise, the restorative justice process can take place over phone or skype – it\u2019s completely up to you.<\/p>\n

    Final thought: if a direct encounter isn\u2019t for you<\/h2>\n

    If you come to the conclusion that meeting your offender simply isn\u2019t for you, there are a number of other ways you air your feelings to them.<\/p>\n

    These symbolic methods for confronting an offender may work well if the thought of an encounter is simply too much:<\/p>\n